Clara’s Coming Out

I always knew I wasn’t into boys/men from a young age. I didn’t have any crushes and I wasn’t into boy bands. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I really discovered my what my true feelings towards my sexuality were.

I’d been invited to an Anne Summers party by a close friend of mine and at the end of the night I was given a catalogue to take home and browse through. That evening, as I looked through the catalogue I realised I was extremely attracted to the women in the pictures. I tried to convince myself that my mind was playing tricks on me and by the time I had fallen asleep my mind was made up that I still fancied men, but who was I kidding?

The next day I made a deal with myself that I would be bisexual. Still live a life under the false pretence of heterosexuality but date women in secret. However, now that I had realised I was a lesbian, I wanted to meet some like minded people. So I took to the internet where I found a site called Gaydargirls. It was there I met my first girlfriend (whom I will refer to as X) and my last.

I kept my sexuality a secret from everyone for a few months. However one night my older brother came up to my room to chat, as we had always done, we get on extremely well so I knew I could trust him with my secret. He was really understanding and it felt so good to say the words out loud. That night planted a seed and with some Dutch courage one evening whilst out with my friends, I told them everything. They didn’t have a clue but told me they would always be there to support me no matter what. I have such an amazing group of friends who I love with all my heart.

Then it was time to tell my mum. The big one. It was the evening before I met X for the first time. I had been out for the evening and was slightly tipsy. I asked my mum if she could drive me somewhere as I was meeting ‘someone’. My mum gave me a strange look and asked ‘A boy?’ I simply said ‘No’, then she came out for me ‘You’re meeting a girl?’ I said ‘Yes’ and waited for her response. She agreed to take me and told me I didn’t have to hide who I was and she would love me no matter what. She also told me she had always known. Which shocked me, if I’m honest.

So I was ‘out’ and a few months later I left home for university. I dated X on and off for a year which wasn’t the best time in my life. I was completely infatuated by her and her confidence with women. She introduced me to the gay world. Took me clubbing in Soho and in a way taught me how to be gay. Which gave me an awful attitude and I didn’t feel myself.

I have never fit into the ‘lesbian’ stereotype but that didn’t stop me trying to fit in. I cut my hair short and into a faux hawk and dressed in shirts and waist coats in order to look the part. I found myself defending my homosexuality frequently. My new community didn’t want to accept me. I remember standing in line for GAY at the Astoria (old school!) and I was refused entry at the door and told I didn’t look gay so I wasn’t allowed in. I was with X and I had to kiss her to convince the bouncer, this big butch lesbian, that I was, in fact a lesbian. Women in bars also mistook me for being straight so I made it my mission to convince them otherwise.

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I dated a few women on and off in this time. My relationship with X was always very open and a bit messed up and we started to grow apart.

Then I met Kirsty. I didn’t know it at first but I would fall head over heels in love with this woman. She made me realise I should break down my barriers and not care what the community thought of me. She really opened my eyes. I love being around gay people but I don’t have to convince them who I am anymore. If I want to wear a dress to Heaven, then I will. I have my wife by my side and I feet firmly grounded.

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So this is my coming out story. I’ve come on a long journey and I’m very proud of it.

This Post Has 11 Comments

  1. Mrs TeePot Reply

    I’m so glad you had a positive experience coming out to friends and family. I know what you mean about not being believed though and not fitting into that community, I’m bisexual and a real girly girl, I feel like I don’t fit in on either side. Women assume I’m straight and I’ve had no luck on Gaydar girls, hopefully one day I will find someone amazing who will just love me for who I am though.

  2. Innocent Charms Chats Reply

    Amazing post. I love how amazing your mum was. My mum and dad were very good about my brother but not that good.
    I love that Kirsty and you found each other and she brought out the confidence you have inside.

    Thanks for sharing your story. Love you both

  3. xOjox Reply

    Love this post, and I personaly think it would be helpful to girls confused about their sexuality. You are who you are, and fron what I’ve seen, thats a beautiful caring mother and wife., not a stereotype xxxx

  4. Bex @ The Mummy Adventure Reply

    What a brilliant family you have. I think it is great that you don’t fit a stereotype and the kind of thing more women need to see so they don’t feel they need to hide or change who they are. x

  5. sabrina montagnoli Reply

    A great post. Really opens your eyes to people’s expectations and how they expect you to mold yourself to fit certain labels. Not really the same but when I first went to uni being from the Caribbean and not being black it was amazing how it confused people and the expectations they had on me. I hate when people asked me to talk Jamaican.

  6. MishMashMamma Reply

    What a brave post to write. The world can be a cruel and difficult place sometimes, let alone when you are constantly having to prove yourself. So glad you found ‘the one’.

  7. mummydaddyme Reply

    What a wonderful story to read, the nosey side of me loves to read about things like this. You sound like you have a fantastic family, and wonderful that they were so supportive of however you wanted to be. And really interesting that you felt like you had to confirm to a stereotype. I am glad that amazing Kirsty has managed to make you feel like you don’t need to be like that. You look beautiful in your dresses! 🙂 x

  8. Lauren Reply

    This is such a brave thing to write and I’m so glad you did write it.
    I’m sorry you experienced such an awful time with the community. That’s horrible, especially when you would expect them to be the ones to accept you no matter what.
    You are so lucky to have a supportive family and to have met Kirsty. It sounds like you are perfect for each other 🙂 x

  9. Emma Day Reply

    A brilliant and fascinating post. I’m genuinely bi, I honestly like both, but I often used to hide it, for fear of friends thinking I was trying it on. I fell in love with a man, after very few experiences with women (mostly for not knowing how to find them) and it is a man, that I married. So I guess there is no need to categorise myself now, because I am loyal to him, but when it comes to ogling celebs, I still appreciate both.
    I’m horrified that a gay club would discriminate you for “not looking gay” though. That’s awful. Surely people of all looks can be whatever sexuality they want?! Perhaps through your blog, the two of you will change peoples perceptions on this?

  10. TheBrickCastle Reply

    I think we’re lucky living in Manchester. At least 2 of our children aren’t heterosexual, and they’ve come out to us well before they reached adulthood. They also came out at school as teenagers and aside from a few comments which they genuinely have been able to dismiss, have been largely treated with disinterest, it’s so much healthier than it was even 15 years ago.
    I’d be gutted to think that any of them changed the way they dress or look because they felt society didn’t view them as ‘gay enough’ 😀

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