I always knew I wasn’t into boys/men from a young age. I didn’t have any crushes and I wasn’t into boy bands. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I really discovered my what my true feelings towards my sexuality were.
I’d been invited to an Anne Summers party by a close friend of mine and at the end of the night I was given a catalogue to take home and browse through. That evening, as I looked through the catalogue I realised I was extremely attracted to the women in the pictures. I tried to convince myself that my mind was playing tricks on me and by the time I had fallen asleep my mind was made up that I still fancied men, but who was I kidding?
The next day I made a deal with myself that I would be bisexual. Still live a life under the false pretence of heterosexuality but date women in secret. However, now that I had realised I was a lesbian, I wanted to meet some like minded people. So I took to the internet where I found a site called Gaydargirls. It was there I met my first girlfriend (whom I will refer to as X) and my last.
I kept my sexuality a secret from everyone for a few months. However one night my older brother came up to my room to chat, as we had always done, we get on extremely well so I knew I could trust him with my secret. He was really understanding and it felt so good to say the words out loud. That night planted a seed and with some Dutch courage one evening whilst out with my friends, I told them everything. They didn’t have a clue but told me they would always be there to support me no matter what. I have such an amazing group of friends who I love with all my heart.
Then it was time to tell my mum. The big one. It was the evening before I met X for the first time. I had been out for the evening and was slightly tipsy. I asked my mum if she could drive me somewhere as I was meeting ‘someone’. My mum gave me a strange look and asked ‘A boy?’ I simply said ‘No’, then she came out for me ‘You’re meeting a girl?’ I said ‘Yes’ and waited for her response. She agreed to take me and told me I didn’t have to hide who I was and she would love me no matter what. She also told me she had always known. Which shocked me, if I’m honest.
So I was ‘out’ and a few months later I left home for university. I dated X on and off for a year which wasn’t the best time in my life. I was completely infatuated by her and her confidence with women. She introduced me to the gay world. Took me clubbing in Soho and in a way taught me how to be gay. Which gave me an awful attitude and I didn’t feel myself.
I have never fit into the ‘lesbian’ stereotype but that didn’t stop me trying to fit in. I cut my hair short and into a faux hawk and dressed in shirts and waist coats in order to look the part. I found myself defending my homosexuality frequently. My new community didn’t want to accept me. I remember standing in line for GAY at the Astoria (old school!) and I was refused entry at the door and told I didn’t look gay so I wasn’t allowed in. I was with X and I had to kiss her to convince the bouncer, this big butch lesbian, that I was, in fact a lesbian. Women in bars also mistook me for being straight so I made it my mission to convince them otherwise.
I dated a few women on and off in this time. My relationship with X was always very open and a bit messed up and we started to grow apart.
Then I met Kirsty. I didn’t know it at first but I would fall head over heels in love with this woman. She made me realise I should break down my barriers and not care what the community thought of me. She really opened my eyes. I love being around gay people but I don’t have to convince them who I am anymore. If I want to wear a dress to Heaven, then I will. I have my wife by my side and I feet firmly grounded.
So this is my coming out story. I’ve come on a long journey and I’m very proud of it.