I love this time of year, my favourite events fall within these three months. Halloween has always been such a fun time for me, then fireworks night holds fond memories of hot soup and hot chocolate and then Christmas is a time for family fun and being thankful. The only downside to this time of year, is the darker days and darker nights. With us both working full time, the hours we get between waking and work and work and bed are dark. These hours are what we call family hours, they are the hours we have with our son and they are so precious to us. But these hours also have to accommodate studying, errands, housekeeping and generally being adults. The weekends are our family time and luckily include more light hours than dark, but we still feel like these months take some hours from us.
Not only have there physically been more darker days than light, emotionally there feels like I’ve been having more darker days than light lately. This post is a hard one to write, I have always been open about my OCD and smashing the taboos surrounding it. But I have never really written about my experience with depression and how it affects me. In my late teens I experienced several years of depression and witnessed ones I love fall beneath the crushing covers of depression for many years too. With counselling and a good support system I was able to throw off my binds of depression and though OCD is with me every day, I felt I had escaped the worst of how I felt at my lowest.
Last year a stay in hospital started me on a downward slope into a bad place mentally. Many triggers over the months all took their toll. Lost friendships, an inability to exercise due to pain and the feeling of not being able to express how I felt have all occurred within such a short space of time. The daily vlogs, though capturing our adventures had to stop before they captured the darkness.
The thing with depression is the way it’s a tricky little beast. It convinces you of many things, that nobody cares how you feel or that everyone has their own problems, with no time for yours. It also does a really good job of making you feel numb. Before my first experience with depression I thought it would feel like sadness. I thought that maybe someone with depression would always been in tears or not want to do anything. But this isn’t the case. I can laugh, I can enjoy a good day out and I can experience joy. But others days are not so bright.
Last week I told Clara how I was feeling and was glad she took me into her arms and made me feel better for sharing how I was feeling. It’s the first step towards making my days a bit brighter.
Photo Credit – Matthew Brodeur