It’s not always rosy

K – Clara and I are very conscious of the fact that we come across as a happy loving couple most of the time. We smile together in family photos and say lovely things about each other on social networks. But that isn’t to say everything has been smooth sailing since we became parents. The last few months have been a fantastic adventure, but they’ve also put our relationship through some pretty tough tests.

It's not always rosey - mytwomums.com

In the months leading up to Monkey’s birth, we were incredibly close. We had time for cuddles and lazy weekends and were able to lead a selfish relationship, only concentrating on each others needs. Nobody had prepared us for the challenges we would face once we welcomed our new addition in to our lives. That’s not to say we would have done anything differently, as Monkey has been the best thing that’s ever happened to us. But we both felt if more people talked about the tough times, then it wouldn’t be so taboo. We were also inspired by a fab friend, to blog about the tough times as well as all the fab bits.

The first few weeks were a roller coaster of sleepless nights, hormones (not just C’s) and short tempers. I think the addition of being new parents with very strong differing opinions, had an effect as well. C had a lot of physical healing to do, which in turn made me feel quite distant. I was unsure if C felt the same way about me, yet I didn’t actually talk to her about it. We ended up in a cycle of assuming we knew what the other person was thinking and getting frustrated at the other assuming the wrong thing. Arguments were triggered by the smallest event, like not putting a t-shirt in the laundry bin.

C – Living in such a small space also contributed to the arguments. We couldn’t just take ourselves away from the situation to calm down, having only one bedroom and a kitchen/living room space sort of limits your options some what. I sort of suffered with Cabin Fever. I used to get so frustrated with the clutter and the mess that I would take it out on Kirsty, I used to say to myself “Clara this isn’t you, what are you doing?!”. I know now that i should gave just swallowed my pride and asked my mum to come over and clean for me, she would have done it without hesitation but I wanted to be Super Mummy lol.

I also had a 2nd degree tear from labour and lost a lot of blood so I found it difficult to walk, even to the corner shop. If I walked for more than 5 minutes at a time, I used to get shaky and feel faint. I didn’t heal completely for 6 months which made me extremely upset, like I wasn’t the woman I once was. Having a baby takes its toll on your body and my tummy was so sore, like I had done 1000 abdominal crunches the previous day.

Before having the baby, K and I had a very healthy physical relationship and because I was so sore for so long I didn’t have any physical desires for a long time. Of course I suffered in silence and didn’t explain to K how I was feeling. Thinking back now I completely understand why she thought I didn’t find her attractive any more, I would probably have felt the same way. She didn’t pressure me at all, which I love her so much for but it must have been so hard.

Sitting down and taking the time to talk to each other about issues saved our marriage. I can confidently say that we are close to where we were before Monkey. I say ‘close’ because having a little one has changed the whole dynamic of our life together but I adore K and my life wouldn’t be complete without her.

K- Our relationship will never be how it was before the most amazing little person arrived. This isnt to say we love each other any less, we just can’t hide ourselves away selfishly in bed all weekend. But since we’ve talked about how we feel and have learnt to be more patient with each other, things have improved. Trying to find time for each other, be it just a few minutes a day, to catch up, has helped us turn to the same page once more. I’m sure when we are 60 we will go back to weekends in bed.

 

This Post Has 14 Comments

  1. Bex @ The Mummy Adventure Reply

    I don’t think anyone quite understands the way a baby changes a relationship until they are there and I think it is great that you are being so honest. I am finding things even more difficult with two littles now and we certainly have to work much harder at the things that came naturally before but I am hoping that once we are a little less sleep deprived we will find our feet again. I know that neither of us would change a thing but of course things are not always rosey x

  2. Gemma @gem_gem14 Reply

    What a truly honest post. No one prepares you for the strain a new baby puts on a marriage and its nice to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing this.

  3. More Than Words Reply

    Amen sister! G and I have been going through something very similar and I agree with you 100%, talking about it is such an important thing to do. Monkey is lucky to have 2 mums who love him and love each other, even when the going gets tough. 🙂

  4. Michelle Crowther Reply

    Can relate to this, the strain is immense!

    We went through a similar situation for a few weeks.
    And since we’ve had our second baby I can honestly say, it DOESNT get easier! It’s double the strain!!

    Hard work, but worth it. It’s absolutely more about being a team than anything else! It’s great to be reflective though. Thanks for the honest post! X

  5. Purplemum Reply

    Thanks for being so honest. Like you mention when I had my first baby I was all why on earth did nobody ever mention how frickin hard this is, it felt like a conspiracy. I now have three children and though it has absolutely tested my marriage to the core I can honestly say we work better together now than we did before.

  6. Charlotte - Write Like No One's Watching Reply

    I loved this. And you know what? It has helped me. I touched on this in a post recently, but things with me and Stephen are NEVER 100% and sometimes I find myself worrying that we may not make it through the darker days. I mean – he never puts clothes in the laundry basket! And I felt alone as everyone else seems to be so happy!

    But, like you both, we make it through and we do love each other.

    And the healing part I can relate to as well – I felt like it was six months plus for me. Ouch! xxx

    • (C) Reply

      It’s really tough & now me and K talk more we have a lo more good days than bad. I think because we look after babies all day we feel like we need a break in the evening, not do washing or put stuff away all the time. K is a lot better now 😉

  7. Franglaise Mummy Reply

    Thanks for sharing, you’re right, in general we only blog about things all being fine and don’t tell people that it’s not always the case. The biggest key for Hubs and me has always been communication as when this breaks down arguments start.

  8. Shortwife Reply

    Thanks for being so honest. When I spoke to friends about how tough/horrific (!) and awful it could be sometimes, I always turned it into a joke when inside I was breaking down thinking my Husb and I were never going to make it through the next month. Some mummy friends and I reckon we should get together and write a book called ‘Sh*t they don’t tell you’. It would be like a preggy/mummy War and Peace!

    It has its moments being a mum but then you get those little breakthroughs and it starts to get better and you forget what you were worrying about in the first place. Boychild turned one last week and looking over my own blog I can barely remember that I was ‘on the brink’ for so long!
    http://musingsofashortwife.blogspot.co.uk/2012_09_01_archive.html

    • (C) Reply

      That would make a great book! We’d happily contribute lol. Monkey is also almost a year, it seems to have gone so fast now but the low days feel like months.

  9. Fiona Napthine Reply

    Thank you for being so honest. It is the most difficult and most amazing time when a new baby arrives and can affect your relationship a lot but in time it all sorts itself out.

  10. Pingback: In Memory of - mytwomums.com

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