I feel so low. I’m laying in bed on my own shivering with what feels like the flu but I think it’s just a nasty cold alongside exhaustion.
Every time I move I get goosebumps and I start to shiver. My whole body aches and I feel like I might pass out any second now. Even during childbirth I have never experienced anything like this.
I’m so tired but I dread falling asleep. I have been having nightmares about the other day when I held Monkey as he went to sleep before his procedure. He was in my arms, trying to snuggle his head into my chest so as not to make eye contact at all the scary surgeons surrounding him. Then the milky liquid was inserted and my baby went limp in my arms. I wanted to panic as I laid him down. That was not “falling asleep” he seemed almost lifeless. Before I could do anything else the nurse rushed me out the door and I burst into tears. My heart felt like it was breaking.
These last 3 days have been the worst of my life to date. The fear that he may have had an infection in his hip was unbearable at times. My little Monkey, not just by name but also by nature, my little climber, couldn’t bring himself to move at times. We struggled to make him smile. He just wasn’t there, that wasn’t our baby boy. I know it was his fever and the lack of food and drink that made him so weak but that doesn’t put my mind at ease.
However, the transformation post surgery was truly amazing. He woke after hours of coming round from the procedure and as if by magic, our Monkey had returned, the fever had gone and he was louder than ever. Children are little miracles.
I wanted to write about some of my experiences, in the hope that it helps heal the wound and it has. I’m not going to lay here feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to be grateful there is nothing wrong and he’s home, snuggled up in his cot.
Although I do wish this cold would take a hike!