So who’s the Mum?

Since C and I decided which of us was going to carry our first baby *to be honest it wasn’t a hard decision* the thoughts of how we would be accepted as parents entered my mind.

my two mums
I knew our friends and family would have no issues with recognising us both as parents. I was just concerned people outside our bubble would find our situation difficult to accept.

During C’s pregnancy my presence in appointments was never much of an issue. C got used to introducing me as soon as we stepped through the door.

The average conversation would go as follows…

Midwife – Hi C come in, how have you been?*looks at me with a half smile in a nice, oh you’ve brought a friend way*

C – Yeah good, this is K my wife.

Midwife – Oh, lovely, oh Hi
*smiles at me in an oh I’d never have known way*

By 8 months I was getting frustrated. I know they had no way of assuming I was C’s wife and I have no suggestions on how they can make changes so that I don’t get frustrated during the next pregnancy. But it’s certainly and area I feel needs work. As a lot of them were not prepared for our situation and I felt they could benefit from perhaps more knowledge.

Fast forward to now and it’s a different assumption that’s bugging me.

If you’re a regular reader you’d know that Monkey had to have a short stay in hospital for jaundice after his birth. Some of the midwives were familiar with us due to how often we had been at the hospital. But some weren’t and also we had to see different paediatricians each day who had never met us but had been briefed on our relationship.

Now to get their job done they need to ask a lot of questions and they need to make sure they ask the right person. But when someone who knows we are a couple, walks in and says laughing “So who’s the mum?”

It’s not on.

I hope that one day we’ll walk in to an appointment and be recognised as Monkey’s two mums. Until then I’ll keep educating them.

This Post Has 16 Comments

  1. Karen Reply

    Really like this post, it’s a very important point your making and I hope you get the chance to spread thie message, a difference should be made and you will hopefully get the chance to make it, hope you are enjoying your new LO, I remember well those newborn days, exhausting! X x

    • Mytwomums Reply

      Thank you for your comment. I really do hope we make a difference. Baby steps, excuse the pun lol. We are in love with our LO so much 🙂 X

  2. Vivien Sabel Reply

    Hello you two mums! Thank you for posting this out. I wish people would simply observe and listen. It is clear as day you BOTH are your lil ones mums. I can only hope for a day when people are open to all parents, regardless of anything. Glad to hear your are ALL doing well. What a beautiful photo of your wonderful family.

    • Mytwomums Reply

      I hope for that day too. Who knows, maybe if enough people speak up we could make a difference. 🙂

  3. Jenny Paulin Reply

    I guess it is a situation that is still relatively uncommon but hopefully this will change with time, and I think it’s great that you a helping to make a change. It must be frustrating for you not to be called ‘Mum’ automatically. But then I guess it is always assumed that ‘mum’ is the one who carries the baby which js same in a heterosexual relationship, which is more obviousI know, but what I mean is that mum always has the final say with decisions throughout a pregnancy over dad because she is carrying the unborn child. Hmmm does that make any sense? I hope it does and you know what I am trying to say!! Eeeeek!
    Now that your baby is here, then you should be seen as joint mums even more and i agree it’s not on. (hug)
    Anyway, you both are going to be brilliant loving mums to your gorgeous son, and thats such a lovely photo of the three of you. Xxx

  4. Mummy Barrow Reply


    It makes me grrrrr when I see that mums, and dads in similar situations, have to face this still. I guess it is just going to take time for society as a whole to catch up.

    My 18 year old daughter’s best friend at school has two mums but they felt for years that they couldnt be honest, they always referred to as “mum and auntie”. I knew it wasn’t the case (doesn’t take a rocket scientist when they live in a two bedroomed house). They feared the reactions they would receive, or that their daughter would receive.

    So it is going to take time, and people like you two to dispel the myth. Whatever that myth is.

    How is monkey going to refer to you? Are you both going to be mum? And he tell people that he simply has two mummies? That would be so fabulous.

    PS that pic of the three of you is adorable.

    • Mytwomums Reply

      Thank you for your comment. Monkey will refer to us as Mummy and Mama, a,though I’m sure he will call us what he wants. We will make sure he expresses he has two mummies. We won’t be hiding our relationship.

      We love him to bits and want the world to know that our love created him. Hopefully we will make a differenc :).

      Thanks so much

  5. BHH03 Reply

    This is something that worries me for when we have our children.
    When we got married there was a family member who quite abruptly asked what we were going to call each other because unless husband was going to be used wife was out of the question. Now I can handle the outsiders saying things but with family it really hurts and I don’t want our children for a second feeling as though they should question our family.

  6. Sarah Reply

    When you have mentioned previously you have had people ask ‘who’s the mum?’ I always thought you meant they were asking as they didn’t know you were a couple and thought you were friends/sisters (which also shouldn’t be assumed).
    The fact someone, particularly a medical professional who should permanently display an open mind, a non judgemental attitude and be completely inclusive should say that after they know you are a couple is disgusting. I can imagine how L and i would feel id anyone said to us ‘which ones the bride’ in a joking way when they KNEW we were both a bride. Joking or not, it’s not on, and I would definitely complain to the trust who’s care you were under.
    S xx

  7. Elaine Livingstone Reply

    I think this just boils down to bigotry, I was not married when I had my first child (1979) and back he was not allowed in for the birth, in for the labour, sent out for the birth because it wasnt seen as decent for an unmarried mum to have the babies father there and you had to be called Mrs whatever. This has changed and hopefully your situation will as well.
    Children use to be stigmatised for coming from a single family, and that has become acceptable as well, Hopefully if parents like you stand up for what to you is perfectly natural then hopefully time your children have children you will have laid down the foundations to make it perfectly normal. and the sooner the better.

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  10. essie Reply

    most people aren’t rude enough to do this, but we also get people asking us who arty’s ‘real’ mum is, as if being the birth mother makes me more his mum than s-j.
    it’s ridiculous and infuriating.
    a mum is someone who changes nappies, who get up to settle and soothe in the middle of the night, who kisses bumped heads, who feeds, bathes, dresses. a mum is someone who is there every day for a little person.
    our babies are so lucky that they have two of those people!

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