If you’re a regular reader of our blog you may have noticed we’ve been quite quiet on the blog recently, in fact across all our social media we’ve not been as active as we used to. In part this was down to our lives taking a busy path with work, volunteering and time with M, but mostly it was down to the overwhelming dark waves threatening to envelop me.
I’ve spoken of my OCD before and my experience with Endometriosis and the chronic pain it causes, but I’ve never really spoken of the dark time I slipped into severe depression over 10 years ago. So to find myself back there felt so suffocating and lonely. Depression has a way of making you feel so alone, that no one cares or that you are just a burden on those you love. It’s been building for so many years, didn’t happen overnight and took Clara several weeks to finally get me to a doctor. I am so grateful she achieved this, as this time I fear I’d slipped so far down the slope that I really didn’t have the strength or tools to climb back up.
I am so used to packing up my feelings in an easy to manage box that it was quite an emotional day when I cracked the lid a little and let them escape. Clara was my strength and held me as I admitted I just couldn’t carry on feeling the way I was. The doctor I saw listened to everything I said so intently and offered me a lifeline which I grabbed with both hands. I’ve never wanted to rely on medication for my OCD, so to finally accept them for depression was a big step for me. I realised it was something I needed to allow me to start the slow climb back up the slope.
The doctor explained that the full affect of the medication could take between 4-6 months to make a difference to my everyday, but after just over 2 weeks I can admit that I am starting to see a sliver of light through the dark waves. What has helped me more than anything is owning my depression and talking to those around me about how I feel and felt. People reached out to me on social media when I shared my battle and friends got in touch to make sure I knew they were there when I needed them. It really made a difference.
Thanks to everyone that sent words of comfort. To those fearing the dark waves, please do find someone you trust to help you, it’s probably the hardest thing to do at the time, but it will make a difference.
The beach has always been my calm, so when Clara suggested we take a trip just after I’d shared how I truly felt beneath the dark waves it felt the right place to be. So these photos were taken just after I decided I wasn’t going to let my depression own me and that I was going to own it instead.